Anytime you choose your behavior based upon how the other person will react, as opposed to making choices that align with your values, you are prioritizing codependence.
Like “toxic,” “gaslighting,” and now, the one I hear most: “narcissistic” the word “codependent” is a popular psych term that can get thrown around without real regard to what it actually means.
That said, I see codependent traits in my office quite frequently: ways of thinking and behaving, that people haven’t really considered are harmful to themselves and their relationships.
Pia Mellody describes codependence as
difficulty loving yourself (self-esteem)
difficulty protecting yourself (boundaries)
difficulty owning reality
difficulty with self-care needs (confusing needs & wants)
difficulty with moderation
When people struggle with these:
-negative control is used to create comfort.
-resentment, anger and blame is regularly present.
-a person is treated as a Higher Power, therefore one’s spirituality is impaired.
-there may be addiction or illness involved in the relationship.
-there is difficulty sharing reality, and therefore intimacy.
How do these actually look in relationships?
Even though Sam and Kelly argue every time they drink, both of them continue to drink when they are together.
Shawn barely has enough money to cover bills this month, but spends a significant amount on a special something for Kam after their fight, in hopes of smoothing over their difficult feelings.
Kailee knows that her weekly yoga class is a vital element in her ability to feel stable and secure. But if Jason texts her that he is free, she skips her class to go be with him.
Chase feels pretty uncomfortable when Billy says certain things. But has never said anything about it.
Anytime you choose your behavior based upon how the other person will react, as opposed to making choices that align with your values, you are prioritizing and aligning with codependence. Ie: “I can’t say what I really mean because he will blame me for everything,” or “I won’t ask for that because if I ask for that, she will complain about what a hard time she is having…” Letting others decide how we behave, what we say, and eventually, what we think is the definition of codependence.
Why are we talking about relationships? I read this to learn how to hate my body less!
Codependence and low self-worth are besties. I don’t often see one of the them exist without the other when people come to me for help with one of these issues. If you spend time feeling frustrated with your body you may very well also have less-than-awesome boundaries in your close personal relationships. What is great though is, when we make improvements in one area, other areas improve naturally, as well.
What is one relationship where you give up yourself in order to get along or stay involved with that person?
What could you do differently to honor yourself in this relationship?
As a heads up, anytime we do something out-of-the-norm in a relationship, especially if the old ways have been in favor of another person’s comfort, they will pushback. As much as the people in your life consciously want you to be healthy, succeed, and feel your best, making changes in relationships is hard because people get used to the way things have been. So it is to be expected that others won’t welcome your change because they will be forced to adjust.
Don’t let this deter you. You deserve to bring your real self to your relationships. All of us deserve this. As you practice, even though you receive initial pushback, relationships get better. With others and with yourself.
