Binge Eating Really Sucks
“Ugh. I did it AGAIN.”
Whirl-winding through the powerlessness of binge eating, is always followed by devastating guilt and shame. As great as it feels to fix: to use cake or chips or sometimes even a food you don’t really like- to numb yourself, to let go, to feel free, to say “Fuck it”- as much of a relief as bingeing feels while we are doing it, the guilt and shame afterwards tells us, in that moment, that is wasn’t worth it.
But it must be worth it, because then we do it again.
What if we were able to deal with that urgency to numb? That urgency to shovel another bite in- and I don’t mean deal with it like, white knuckle it until it passes (though sometimes doing that can help us see that we CAN get through the urge to binge without bingeing). I mean, what if we were able to get to the root of whatever is driving that binge? What if we could deal with our actual problems, instead of using food to cover over it and ease the pain?
The feelings that motivate a binge may be elusive to you at this point. Early in my recovery, a therapist told me that we tend to binge on crunchy foods to deal with anger, soft foods for sadness. If that points you in a direction towards what feelings may be hard for you to face, maybe that is a starting point. But whatever you are bingeing ON, what do you know about what is happening inside of you just before a binge?
What is happening in your mind?
What is happening in your belly?
What is happening in your muscles?
What is your heart rate like?
Are you usually alone? If you aren’t, do you try to be?
The more information you can capture about yourself when you are in this almost dissociated state, the more resources you have to do something different.
Getting better at mindfulness allows us to be present in our bodies (noticing our physical sensations), so practice with breathing and grounding is part of healing our relationship with food and our bodies. (For more on this idea, check out my Instagram LIVE post with Kripalu Yoga Teacher Marci Weinstein @GatesTherapy.)
When we are able to keep our heads in the game and we can be aware of what is going on before and during a binge (which we may be able to do sometimes and not another) we have an opportunity to investigate what might be going on that we want so desperately to numb.
Pulling in some mindfulness, with a consistent practice of it, allows us to eventually notice a binge coming on and say, “I really feel like I need to keep eating, but I’m going to do some investigating FIRST.”
When you are able to be this conscious, before, during or after a binge:
1.Change your location.
If you can go outside where it is hot AF, all the better. A change in temperature will help you step above the emotions and change your state. Regardless, go to a different room. Change places somehow.
2.Grab something to write with/on.
If you are a loyal BAP reader you know that I consistently suggest journaling as a means to accomplish different goals. It is a way to get your thoughts and feelings out onto paper (or a screen) so you can look at them, rather than having them bounce around inside of you. If writing is not something you can get in to, talk it out. Talk to the air or God or your pet- talk through these prompts if writing isn’t useful.
3.Write ANYTHING about what just happened.
It can start with “I am supposed to write before I binge…” or “I don’t know what I am supposed to write but now that I am, I can see that my hands are shaking…” or “my partner really pissed me off today…” or anything you notice happening inside of yourself.
Write for as long as you can, until you notice something you didn’t notice before.
Chances are very, very high that you will.
Feel free to return to the binge. Often, it will feel unnecessary at this point, however please be clear that this process is NOT intended to prevent the binge. It is to look at what problems need to be solved. Because every time we use food to numb, even if we don’t know why we are doing it, every time we use food to numb we are giving up another opportunity to practice real problem-solving.
