But what if I don't FEEL LIKE IT?
What to use to get off the couch, if you aren't sure whether or not to get off the couch.
As they looked around the room, each funeral attendee felt uncomfortable about their relationship with the deceased.
“I loved my dad, but honestly, he never could be counted on.”
“Bless his family, because I know they are grieving, but the thing I think about is how selfish this man was.”
“I’m not sure what my brother stood for. Didn’t seem like he really lived by any values at all.”
When we are dead and gone, people will take stock of our values. Perhaps even in a more direct way than while we are alive. In day-to-day interactions we are aware of how we feel around certain people, or what we think they should have done or said differently. But by the time we get to someone’s funeral, we really narrow it down to who that person was. Once our time on earth is done, people take stock of how well we lived by our values.
“He would always have a joke and a smile ready for you- especially when you were really feeling down.” (Fun, Humor, Optimism, Kindness)
“She never minced words. There was never someone more honest than she was!” (Honesty, Integrity, Truth, Decisiveness)
“This person was so generous- they’d give you the shirt of their back.” (Generosity, Compassion, Empathy, Love)
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is one mental health modality that specifically focuses on living a value-driven life. ACT’s focus on Values shows us that we can make choices that we will look back at and approve of, even if we feel overwhelmed, terrified, exhausted, or depressed in the moment.
When feelings get as big as those just listed, we can mistakenly believe that we MUST do what the feeling dictates. “I feel exhausted, so I have no choice but to lay on the couch and scroll on my phone.”
Our Values tell us a different story.
If, as a mother of a new baby, one of my Core Values is Family, (or Compassion or Responsibility, for example) I may choose to get off the couch to tend to my crying child. Even if I feel exhausted. Because I put my Value before my emotion, knowing that ultimately, living my Values will serve me and the world around me best.
If I’ve gotten in a difficult disagreement with a coworker, I may feel angry, disrespected, or under-valued. These feelings could drive certain choices. But if one of my Core Values is Success (or Respect, or Optimism, or Stability, for example) I might explore how to find a solution, or reach out for more support, rather than making a choice based upon my anger or upset. Knowing that I am committed to Success (or whatever other Core Values I have), I will make choices that serve me and those around me better than if I just did what I felt like doing.
Using values to determine a course of action leads us to a better place.
And it will keep people from talking shit at your funeral.
How do I know what my Core Values are?
Brené talks about it on her pod. If you are in Group, we’ll explore it together this week.
An easy starting point, if you’ve not yet determined which Values are most important to you, is to look at the people who you admire. Whether a parent, a friend, a coworker, or even a fictional character, what is it about them that you admire?
If you’ve always admired Wonder Woman, is it because of her bravery? Her beauty? Her physical fitness?
If your boss impresses you, what is it about them? Their Loyalty? Authenticity? Their Power?
Have questions about your Values, why they matter or how to use them for good? Reply to this email.
Anything else you’d like to read about, when it comes to improving your self-acceptance and reducing body shame? Reply to this email.
And feel free to