If you’ve ever been close to someone who proudly and regularly abuses drugs or alcohol, you have likely heard them complain about someone “judging” them. Their commitment to doing something they feel a little guilty about is maintained by pointing a finger at anyone (else) who is “judging” that behavior. Because judging is something you should be ashamed of! (Not my actions.)
But actually, we naturally associate beliefs with what we observe as part of being an animal species that has survived by learning from observation. When a family of birds sees a squirrel steal an egg from another nest, they learn to become skeptical of little furry animals. Judgmental? Of course it is- squirrels are cute! But the instinct for survival is what drives the “judgement” the family of birds makes against squirrels.
Sure, there are people who can use drugs and alcohol without consequences and without hurting other people. But most of us have seen or heard about a situation where repeated substance use DID hurt others. If you grew up in a family where someone was addicted to a substance, you may have automatic negative associations when you learn that someone regularly becomes intoxicated. Judgmental? Sure. And also, learning from your experience.
One of my favorite substack writers, Valerie Monroe has shared:
Mirror Meditation: The Power of Neuroscience and Self-Reflection to Overcome Self-Criticism, Gain Confidence, and See Yourself with Compassion, by Tara Well, PhD who points out that we humans are inherently programmed to scan for the problematic and the threatening as a way to ensure safety. We humans are as instinctually as intelligent as birds! We, too, use what we’ve learned and apply it, often without checking the facts, to make judgments about others. Valerie goes on to say,
“this reminded me that, while scrutinizing our face for flaws is partly a result of unhealthy conditioning that encourages us to self-objectify, it can also be one of the ways we scan for signs of illness.” The way people look tells us something about them, including injury, sickness, and energy level. I agree with Valerie that this is important:
Just mentioning that here as a reminder that there is always more than one side to a story, especially when it involves creatures as complex as we are. No judging.