How knowing your boundaries makes you better with people
GIVE your boundaries, as a gift to you and everyone else.
Last week, Shannon told me she tried out the GIVE skill at her new job.
“I was nervous about meeting people because this is sort of a new field and I was afraid of what they’d think of me.” Shannon went on to say how she used to get so wrapped up in what she worried a new acquaintance was thinking- of her outfit, of her height, of her makeup, of her hair, of how she smelled… she would often walk away from a conversation and not even remember the person’s name or what they talked about.
“So, how did it go using the GIVE skill?”
“I couldn’t believe it- not only did I forget about how I looked and sounded, I actually got interested (see second step in GIVE skill) in people!” Shannon said she is planning to go bowling with her coworkers on Friday after work. “I really didn’t think these skills would work… I felt better about myself. AND like, I am truly getting to know people.”
An important aspect in interpersonal effectiveness, or getting along with people, is building your boundary skills. I know when the concept of boundaries was first introduced to me, I had no idea what it meant. Boundaries are essentially, what you need to feel okay. Each person will have slightly different boundaries, which is why it sometimes feels tough to enforce them (“will they think it’s stupid if I’m not okay with this?”). And yet, it is important that you get good at understanding and expressing your boundaries because when you don’t, you do things you regret, you can feel uncomfortable, and you can even feel dismissed and unknown to the people you could be getting closer with.
DBT refers to three types of boundaries: physical, psychological and emotional. For the purpose of this post, we’ll just talk about how to identify, communicate, and enforce any of your boundaries.
If you’ve never thought about it before, once you become aware of the concept of boundaries, you may begin to notice what does and doesn’t work for you as you go through your day-to-day. For some people, infidelity in a relationship is a boundary that feels uncomfortable/intolerable. Being clear with a partner that you are not okay with infidelity, if this is true for you, will help your relationship by keeping you on the same page.
For some, being yelled at may be a boundary because it is something they aren’t willing to accept or try to tolerate. For others, though uncomfortable, yelling is something they can handle if it happens. Identifying what is a “go” and what is a “no go” for you, though it need not be absolute or rigid*, will help you feel safe and fulfilled in relationships.
People who have clearly identified what is and isn’t okay with them often, almost magically, attract the sort of people who respect those do’s and don’ts, without even explicit verbalizing: “I am not okay with ___.” And yet, sometimes we do have to be explicit.
“I’m not okay with comments on my body.”
“I’d prefer we shake hands, rather than hug.”
“It works better for me to go home after the movie than out for drinks afterwards.”
As with all of the DBT skills, practice is what will help you get the most out of them.
Practice them with your roommate. Practice them with your neighbor. Practice them with strangers, with pets, with the rider on the bike next to you at spin class. If a situation arises where you can ask for something or say no, try using a DBT skill. If nothing arises, dream up a situation to practice on your own. Go to the store and ask for something. Don’t wait for situations where you can practice, actively find them. DBT is learned by doing.
*Having a boundary crossed doesn’t have to mean canceling a person. For example, many relationships that experience infidelity, through intentional re-connection and re-building of trust, go on to thrive and become deeper and closer than before. And sometimes, it may not be until a boundary is crossed that you realize you even have it, ie: “I never thought I’d care about pot smoking, but now I realize, I truly don’t want to be around it…” Someone for whom every boundary is rigid can be hard to be around, and often, our boundaries bend and move depending upon the situation and who it is concerning.