how to do what you need to when you feel like S#!+

sometimes its really hard being a good person

When clients are ready to wrap up the work that we've done, I enjoy hearing from them what they found most useful from our collaboration in their growth and healing. In a recent session with a client who was moving on, she shared that it had been helpful to learn the hands-on techniques to, in the moment, calm down or get out of the super big feelings that sometimes took over.

She was referring to some of the DBT skills she'd learned in the course of her therapy. Since I don't teach DBT skills to all of my clients and yet these skills are incredibly useful to have in your back pocket for when overwhelming situations arise, I'll share a few of them here. (there are tons- these are just a few!)

Marsha Linehan created this approach to therapy with four key components in mind:

Mindfulness · ‎Interpersonal Effectiveness · ‎Emotion Regulation ‎ · ‎Distress Tolerance

Mindfulness is what allows us to use any of the other skills we need in order to manage our emotions, get along with people, and handle distress. If we aren't able to be present-minded enough to stop and think, "oh! I know a skill that will help me right now!" then none of the other skills matter.
Practicing conscious, mindful breathing is a starting place for mindfulness. Here is some guidance if you have 5 minutes to practice this skill.

Interpersonal Effectiveness skills help us be better in our relationships. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I understand that most of the problems we have can be solved by improving our relationships. Skills that help us get along with people are crucial to our sanity.
I like the skill Validation because it is also a component of the Imago Dialogue that I teach to clients who want to improve their communication. Validation is simple, but very effective in letting others know we understand them and value their perspective. To validate someone is to accept what they've told you is their reality without dismissing it because you had a different experience. Validation can look like,
"That makes sense that you saw it that way."
"I understand why you felt like that."
It is important to remember that you don't have to agree with someone in order to let them know you can see their perspective. Other people's opinions are valid, even if they are different from yours.

Emotion Regulation skills are super helpful for when feelings want to dictate our decisions. If you are "a feeler," these skills will help you feel proud of your behavior, even though your feelings make you want to do something you wouldn't be proud of doing. There are lots of Emotion Regulation skills, but maybe one of the most accessible when tough feelings are big, is Opposite Action. Essentially, Opposite Action has us do the direct opposite of what a big, difficult feeling is telling us. Examples include:
If anger makes it feel like you want to yell something derogatory at someone, an opposite action would be to softly say something complimentary to them. Or to walk away instead of even approaching them.
If sadness makes you feel like you want to avoid people and stay home, an opposite action would be to take your dog to a dog park and smile at others who are there. Or sign up to volunteer and show up on time to do it.

Distress Tolerance skills allow us to handle difficult situations. Life will always have these, so they are incredibly valuable skills for anyone! One of the easiest skills to start using immediately is very simple: half smile.  Gently upturned lips and a relaxed face. Your body tells to your brain information, so a half smile will genuinely bring peace of mind. A big, cheesy smile might feel fake or like too much of a stretch. Practice half-smiling when you are in upset, worried, or unhappy, as well as when you are more comfortable. It might feel weird at first, but you will quickly feel its effectiveness.

There are many DBT resources if you'd like to learn more. DBTselfhelp.com is an organized site that allows you to look through the skills and learn tips and tricks with each.

Which skill will you use first?