Have you ever driven yourself somewhere and then thought, “how did I actually get here? Because I don’t remember the drive.”
Have you ever been reading a book and have to keep starting at the top of the page because you realize that you haven’t actually been paying attention to the words as your eyes skim over them?
These are examples of not being mindfully present.
Did you notice the change in temperature when you walked outside? Here in central Texas, it is hard not to most of the year. But getting stuck in our heads can prevent us from even noticing the difference in the frigid A/C and triple digits outside.
Did you make eye contact with the cashier the last time you made a purchase?
The last person you spoke with- what color were they wearing?
Mindful awareness is more than just perceiving what is around you- it involves taking things in so consciously that you are participating in what is happening in real time.
Mindfulness skills are core to DBT because with increased awareness in each moment, you have increased choice. When you have more choice, you can use any skill you know. As you learn more DBT skills, you will be able to put them in to practice only if you are mindful enough to do so. The easier it is for you to mindfully choose a skill to use, the easier it will be for you to solve problems. The easier it will be for you to change your limiting ways of thinking and behaving. This includes the ways you think about and behave towards your body.
We practice mindfulness at the beginning and ending of each of our body image groups. You can practice it on your own by setting a timer for 2 or 3 or more minutes and just for those minutes, placing all of your focus on one place in your body that you notice your breath. It could be your nostrils or your throat or your chest or your belly- anywhere that the sensation of breathing is easy for you to notice. Just for those few minutes, try to pay attention to only that part of your body and the effect your inhales and exhales (and the pauses in between) have on that body part.
Rather than thinking about that body part, just feel the sensations that happen as you breathe. You only have to do it for 2 or 3 (or more) minutes. Each time you notice something besides the breath in your body, bring your focus back. Your focus will drift- you are not doing it wrong if it does! You are doing it 100% right when you notice that your focus has drifted and again, gently bring your focus back. This may happen 50 times or 1000 times.
Beyond just practicing this focused breathing, or any other mindfulness exercise, it can really help you to learn more about yourself and to increase your mindfulness abilities if you will answer these questions, too:
What was it like to notice the sensations of your breathing?
What did you notice your mind did, as you practiced focusing on the breath?
What judgements, if any, happened as you practiced?
People usually stop regularly practicing mindfulness for one (or two) of two reasons.
One, it is unfamiliar. When something is unfamiliar it is easy to interpret as being “too hard.” Lots of people have told me “I’m not good at meditating. I keep thinking about other things.” That’s why I want you to understand: YOU ARE GOING TO THINK ABOUT OTHER THINGS. Our brains WILL think- that is what brains do. It would be like expecting our heart not to beat…hearts beat. That’s what they do. As we practice mindfulness, we are practicing choosing where our brains focus. If 1,000,000,000 times your mind drifts off to something else you get 1,000,000,000 times to practice coming back. THAT is the practice. You are doing it exactly right when this happens. And yet, if will feel unfamiliar. Doing something new is usually unfamiliar.
When I start an individual therapy session with a client by doing some guided breathing or another mindfulness activity, they usually say that they feel more calm or centered afterwards. This may not happen each time you practice on your own- especially if you practice when you are already relatively calm. So the number two reason why people usually give up practicing mindfulness is because they don’t always notice an immediate pay off.
Practicing mindfulness, you will not get a dopamine hit every 30-45 seconds like you do with TikTok. The reason mindfulness is a practice is that the point is for it to be done again and again over the course of time. Rather than it mattering that you did it on Monday or that you did it this morning or last night, it matters that you practice it regularly so that you get in the habit of focusing on only one thing at a time.
Some of the most meaningful research I’ve come across recently is that it was found that when people were focused on what they were doing, they felt more fulfilled. NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE WERE DOING.
Seriously- being at Disneyland and thinking about work is less fulfilling than mindfully shoveling shit.
Isn’t that amazing?
You are not doing yourself any favors when you zone out in a work meeting. You are not helping your wellbeing by scrolling on your phone while your partner tells you about their day.
Imagine if you were able to be mindful and present for most (or all) of your life…
You will get closer to it every time you practice. Even by practicing for 2 or 3 (or more) minutes at a time!
