How clear are you, in the moment, when you are shaming yourself?
Are you aware of those thoughts, as they are happening?
“Ugh- these thighs…” <— is this loud and clear in the moment, or is it only after you feel bad, or even say something out loud that you realize this voice is in your head?
Here is a small plug for all the mindfulness exercises/practices/meditations that are floating around: the reason you need to be able to be present and mindful is so that you are aware when these harmful thoughts are happening AS they are happening. Because when you can do that, you can change how you think.
This takes practice. Just like mindfulness, it isn’t a one and done. And it is so so so worth it because there comes a point when you can look back and realize that, in the past, you would have struggled with something that you now do not.
Once you realize you have had an unhelpful thought (get over whether it is “true” or not- maybe you are ugly/disgusting/unlovable- truth is irrelevant here. We are looking for whether or not a thought is helpful. Does this thought help you take better care of yourself? Be more respectful? Kind? Considerate? If not, it is unhelpful and worthy of change.) then the next step is to challenge it. There are several questions you can ask to challenge any unhelpful thought.
Challenging questions:
Is there any evidence that contradicts this?
What would I say to a friend, if I hear her say this to herself?
How will I feel about this in a year?
What are the costs/benefits of thinking this way?
Is there another way to look at this?
Maybe you are headed to a social event and you do not know everyone there. Anyone could feel nervous in this situation, but monitor your thoughts because they are probably contributing to how you feel.
Unhelpful thought: Once people see me, they are going to think I’m gross.
Challenging questions:
Is there any evidence that contradicts this? I was seen by my partner’s friends for the first time and my partner says they don’t think I’m gross. My friends don’t think I am gross.
What would I say to a friend, if I hear her say this to herself? I would tell my friend that nothing about her is gross but also, “don’t talk to my friend that way!”
How will I feel about this in a year? Okay, in a year I might not even remember coming to this thing. Even if this goes poorly, I’ll likely have forgotten about it by then.
What are the costs/benefits of thinking this way? Costs: I feel worse about myself and less open and friendly. And I am definitely more self-conscious, as opposed to be interested in getting to know the people there. Benefits: I’ve always told myself that if I don’t shame myself, I won’t ever change, but I’m starting to wonder if that is true. (it’s been proven not to be)
Is there another way to look at this? Maybe other people won’t be as focused on ME as I am. Maybe others are focused on themselves or the conversations they are having or anything else- I may not be their focus at this party.
I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to get out of your way with the idea of “TRUTH.” That bad body image voice really wants to convince us that it is worth listening to and believing. However, truth is absolutely irrelevant when it comes to thinking things that feel shitty. When we feel better, we do better. We can help ourselves out in this effort by thinking better thoughts.