It's not just exhausting for you.
“It’s exhausting to be around somebody who’s so worried about how they look.” ~Amy Schumer, Pretty Big Deal podcast
That disordered voice that insists I look wrong is quite crafty.
That disordered voice tries to convince us that looking a certain way helps other people feel more comfortable around us. We tell ourselves that in order to fit in, I have to look like ___. We believe that others need us to be a certain way and that if we aren’t, they are bothered.
There are occupations that require a particular aesthetic. As a former dancer, this certainly isn’t lost on me. Which is why destructive body hate and healthy self care can be on the same continuum. There are plenty of dancers, actors and athletes who do things to look and perform a certain way, but who also do not loathe themselves.
If you subscribe to the Body Acceptance Project, your thoughts about how you look have taken up more of your time than just scheduling a hair appointment to try a new color. Many who read this have probably done more to prepare themselves to wear a swimsuit than add a couple new workouts to the spring routine. This anxiety piece- this worried about how you look- this is where we know that there is a problem.
In psychology, part of what we use to determine whether something qualifies as a diagnosable disorder is whether it keeps a person from doing their daily tasks and responsibilities. And whether the symptoms affect other people.
There is no innate problem with flaunting a new hairstyle after a breakup, deciding to tone up before a vacation, or trying a new skin serum that promises to change your skin one way or another. However, when you are spending money you don’t have on these changes, it may be a problem. When you are getting physically hurt or worn down doing things like this, it may be a problem. When there is a pattern of other people being bothered by your choices, they may be a problem.
More important than the actual working-to-change-your-appearance, are the feelings you have about your appearance and the feelings your have about changing it.
Is “improving your looks” taking more energy than other things in your life?
If you weren’t focused on how important it is for your ___ to be a different size or your ___ to be a different shape, what would you do with that time and energy?
Has anyone important to you ever complained about the time/money/energy you spend on changing your looks?
If it is multiple people and it is more than once, perhaps this is worth looking in to, as more than one person gives us the information that, maybe others are noticing something worth examining.
Some helping professionals can get really nervous when they hear clients talk about wanting to look different. There is nothing inherently wrong with doing things to change your appearance. Just as it is not shameful to gain weight, it is not shameful to lose weight. It is the loathing, anxiety, and obsession that qualifies striving for weight loss (or any other aesthetic alteration) as a dysfunction. Ridding yourself of that loathing, anxiety, and obsession allows us to all go get spray tans and eyelash extensions (if we are into that), and feel good about ourselves before, during and after they’ve faded away and fallen off.