Maybe You Stop Trying to Undo Your Bad Habits
Stop banging your head against a wall and try this.
When I showed up to train my client for our first workout of the year last week, there were 3x the number of people I expected to be there. We normally have the gym more or less to ourselves at the time when we meet, but as soon as I saw so many more people than usual, my first thought was, “Oh yeah- it’s January!”
Maybe I was partially surprised because it seems that resolutions are falling out of style, aren’t they? I hear less about them than I used to. I hope that means there is more focus on regularly pursuing good choices, not just once a year. All the same, the idea of a fresh slate is motivating to do something better than you had been doing it. Pick up new good habits. Get rid of old bad habits.
Discoveries in our Body Image Groups sometimes entail recognizing habits that make our situation worse. As desperately as we want things to be easier/happier/more fun/less painful, it can hurt to discover that I have been working against myself, especially when I didn’t realize it.
And, there are some things WE KNOW are bad habits. I bet you can list a few things you regularly do that you know you’d be better off if you didn’t do.
Go ahead and jot them down. Better to have them visible in front of you than “oh yeah- I know what they are…” Write them down so you can look at the habits that you know you have that, for some reason, you wish would change.
Now write down an equal number of habits that you do regularly that are *good.
Examples might range from task-oriented “brushing my teeth” or “paying my bills when due,” or they may be more emotional, like “meditating each morning” or “telling myself it will be okay when I make a mistake.” Some habits are relational like “smiling when I make eye contact” or “extending my hand when I meet a new person.” Take some time to think through habits you have that you probably don’t often think about, because they are working for you. Write them down
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How did it feel to write each of these lists? Maybe it is new to really look at some of your habits. Some of us have worked so hard to get rid of bad habits that just looking at them is infuriating. If you have already given an honest effort to stop doing a bad habit, perhaps it is time to look at what happens when you stop doing a good habit. A respected colleague once told me that when she is considering something she’s been told she “has” to do, she asks herself, “what happens if I don’t?” This gives her an idea of how crucial that task is.
Another trusted colleague who supervises therapists-in-training told me how enlightening it was when he gave one of his associates an assignment and they asked him “why do we have to do it this way?”
“Why DO we do it this way?” he asked me, laughing. We explored the benefits of an ethical norm that we’d both been taught in school, have always adhered to, but without examining may have someday gotten lazy and slacked doing. When we considered what would happen if we DIDN’T do this good habit (taught and reinforced by our fantastic professors and supervisors in southern California) our professional decision-making was strengthened.
If you are willing, pick a good habit from your list and experiment with not doing it. What if, when you are introduced to a new person, you take a deep breath and keep your hands down and face neutral, until invited to do otherwise? What if you didn’t make the bed in the morning? What if you changed the timing of your weekly routine, your morning routine, or your evening routine?
“We are constantly trying to hold it all together. If you really want to see why you do things, then don’t do them and see what happens.”
– Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself
NOT doing a good habit gives us the opportunity to see why it is so important that we keep them up. Or not. Maybe we have the energy and space to get rid of a bad habit when we stop holding tightly to other habits that really don’t matter. The more mindful presence we can bring to our lives, the more we are living by choice rather than circumstance.
*Deeming anything “good” or “bad” can be a slippery slope. It’s more useful to use an accurate descriptor to describe something: “affordable” “nutrient-rich",” or “accessible” are adjectives that have less to do with opinion or value. That said, to simplify, I’m using the terms “good habits” and “bad habits” loosely.