Passive-Aggression or Cognitive Distortion?

Since Max was thirteen, her mother had been saying things like “Exercise makes everything more manageable” and “Good sweat sessions help so much with sleep” and “Workouts are chicken soup for the soul,” which Max had obviously understood was code of “Don’t get fat.” Or really, “Don’t get fatter.”

~Where the Grass is Green and the Girls are Pretty by Lauren Weisberger

Do you ever KNOW your mom means something different from the words she is actually saying?

Is your mom being passive-aggressive?

Passive-aggressive comments or actions are when someone indirectly expresses anger or annoyance without being direct about it. Aggression is expressed passively. Some people are more prone to it- if you grew up with the expectation that you would always be pleasant and accommodating, your displeasure may have been trained to come out indirectly. You may not have gotten practice stating clearly, “I am displeased and I need ____,” so it comes out sideways instead. Ghosting and chronic late-ness are examples of expressing that you don’t want something without being direct that you don’t want it.

It is important to note that, if we grew up with passive aggression as the norm, we may be looking for it in others when it isn’t there. We may be reading between the lines when there is nothing between the lines. Sarcasm and backhanded compliments can get confusing because these can go either way. How can we know if “Wow- your hair looks great!” is coming from someone who is shocked that you could possibly ever look good or if it is genuine approval of your hair? We have to be very careful if we

a) grew up with passive aggression as the norm and

b) don’t accept ourselves

because then we will be on the lookout for sarcasm, even if it isn’t there. We will assume compliments are backhanded and we will choose the most negative interpretation from anything that people say to us.

Are you experiencing a cognitive distortion?