"Put yourself first" is really getting misconstrued.

Taking care of yourself doesn't mean middle fingers to the sky.

Not a group exercise class goes by when I am not told to "thank yourself for taking time to honor yourself today!" or some version of encouragement to applaud myself. Sure, getting to class is sometimes the hardest part of the workout, so I’ll take the credit for that. But there is no way I'd have done that whole workout without the guidance and encouragement of the instructor, the energy and positive peer pressure from the other students in class, and the equipment and facility provided by the studio or gym. YOU, dear instructor, just gave me a great workout! Why am I thanking MYSELF? Thank you to the gym and the employees therein, thank you to my fellow classmates for providing the energy in the room, without which I'd be working out alone (and that is SO much harder! And less fun.) and thank you for preparing and then leading class where you are focused on my safety, on challenging me, and on making it enjoyable!

Why so much encouragement to applaud ourselves?

The more I see social media posts encouraging young adults to cut off family members (which is actually the fastest way to solidify your problems if you never work through difficulties in the fundamental relationships in your life) the more it seems that we are being encouraged to not see our need for each other at all. This self-focused culture makes sense in a country built on the value of independence. But some are getting it twisted that independence suggests that one dude came up with everything all on his own. He didn’t need anyone! He pulled himself up by his bootstraps! One dude didn’t do anything on his own- anything accomplished is a collective of people working together.

So many cycle classes, especially during the come-to-Jesus song after Arms, ask you to identify what does or doesn't SERVE YOU. And “if it doesn’t serve you,” (ie: if you don’t like it) then get it out of your life. Move on. You are better on your own. Do it on your own. Do everything on your own. So that working with other people who have different ideas isn’t another hard thing in your day. If they don’t serve you, then tell them to fuck off! seems to be the message.

If we were in a culture or society that is known for being altruistic, charitable, and community-focused, I could see where these “don’t forget YOU” reminders might bring some balance to our overall well-being. But we are not in a time or place that is known for over-functioning for each other. Doing what is best for our neighbor isn’t something we are getting carried away with, as a society.

AS I got older and I understood more of the nuance and the history behind the idea of the self-made man, I understood that what people were really trying to do was to compliment me for being hardworking, disciplined, motivated, dedicated-all the things you need to be in order to achieve your goals. And they were right, of course. I was all those things. No one lifted the weights or spoke the lines or signed the bills for me. But that doesn’t mean I was self-made. Who I am, where I am, why I am here, what I have had the opportunity to do- this is all because of the impact of hundreds of special people in my life.

~Arnold Schwarzenegger, Be Useful: Seven Tools for Life

Coming from a country that is not obsessed with doing everything “on my own,” Arnold easily sees how what we may be calling “self-made” or “independent” is probably our American way of saying “committed to success.” But let’s be clear- there is no way that success can be possible without depending on each other.

Did you grind the coffee beans you sipped on this morning? If so, did you also grow them? And the cup your delicious brew went into- you made that cup, right? If it was paper, did you cut down the trees from which it was made? If it was a coffee mug- did you throw it on the pottery wheel?

I know- these questions seem ridiculous. But they can be a reminder to anyone who feels alone- you are surrounded by the work of countless other people, nearly all the time! From the carpenters who built the furniture around you, to the farmers who grew your food. From the truck drivers who brought nearly everything you touch to you from somewhere far away, to the inventors who came up with the idea for each of those tools, products, and services to exist- it is not even conceivably possible to do anything at all even remotely by yourself.

When we have decided that we must change how our bodies look, there is a self-centered-ness inherent in our view. As though I have ultimate control over how my body looks. So shame on me for it not being a certain way. Either I showed up to spin class (so, yay me!) or I didn’t, so I am to blame for not being who I want to be. This self-centered perspective ignores the other people who we are interdependent upon- to take care of where we live, to share a meal, or even to say “good morning,” or “good night.”

We just aren’t solo and we aren’t meant to be.

And anyway, the idea of “put your mask on first,” is about making sure your needs are met so that you can be helpful to others. Not that you don’t care if others survive or not. You have to make sure you are okay SO THAT you can help others be okay. To add to the analogies, if your cup is empty, you can’t fill someone else’s. And if you try to fill someone else’s cup when yours isn’t full, it will be with pee pee or sweat or sarcasm, cus that is all you have to pour out.

Absolutely put yourself first. So that you can be a positive coworker, partner, family member or friend. Please don’t put yourself first angrily to show others that you don’t need them. That hurts you more than them and it harms all of your other relationships, since you are making a habit of running from problems rather than addressing them.

*Pissed that I don’t understand your situation? Shoot me an email- let’s discuss.