So you're saying I should be nicer to myself...
“Hey,” you say, picking up the phone. “How are you?”
“Terrible,” she says, choking back tears. “you know that guy Michael I’ve been dating? Well, he’s the first man I’ve been really excited about since my divorce. Last night he told me that I was putting too much pressure on him and that he just wants to be friends. I’m devastated.”
You sigh and say, “Well, to be perfectly honest, it’s probably because you’re old, ugly, and boring, not to mention needy and dependent. And you’re at least 20 pounds overweight. I’d just give up now, because there’s really no hope of finding anyone who will ever love you. I mean, frankly you don’t deserve it!”
How many more times would you expect this friend to call you if this is how you respond to her when she is in pain?
And yet, don’t we talk to ourselves this same, damaging way? Even at the worst of times?
This is an excerpt from Kristin Neff’s The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. Dr. Neff describes self-compassion as becoming an inner ally rather than an inner enemy. On a scale of 1-10
with 1 being self-loathing and 10 being completely compassionate, no matter what is going on, where do you rank with how you treat yourself?
When self-hate is strong, the idea of being compassionate with ourselves seems un-earned. If you believe that “I don’t deserve to be nicer to myself,” it can be a switch you don’t even want to make. We have to move away from what someone (you) deserves towards what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be a person who responds to pain with hurtful comments? It is eye-opening to recognize the things we say to ourselves as truly unkind, because we aren’t intending to be unkind people. Hateful thinking and self-talk is cruel, whomever it is directed towards.
Slowing down and bringing some present-minded awareness to what is happening around us and inside of us makes it possible to choose a better course of action. Use the following questions to break down the emotional self-harm you do:
What is the last judgment you made about yourself that you wouldn’t paste on someone you care about?
What feelings were you having when you said that to yourself or had that judgment? Try to notice at least 2-3.
When someone that you care about is having feelings like those you just listed, what would you like to do to comfort them? Focus on being supportive of the tough feelings, rather than solving “the problem” or changing the feelings.
How can you similarly support yourself though those emotions?
Who else could you recruit to support you when you are feeling tough emotions?
It may not always feel like there is someone immediately available to support us when we are having difficult emotions. Those of us who self-shame or feel bad about feeling bad often don’t share difficult emotions with others. It’s okay if you don’t know of someone to seek support from right away. This doesn’t mean that there will never be someone there for you- this is just where you are right now in your journey towards a healthier relationship with yourself and those around you.
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