Typically, when mental health professionals talk about “self-harm” it refers to someone cutting or burning parts of their body. Harming oneself usually looks like literal injury to one’s skin.
But it can also look like starving yourself. Or punishing yourself with exercise that hurts because you think you deserve to hurt. This is also self-harm, whether it creates a lasting injury or not.
Slow down, Kathryn- I’m not that bad!
Sometimes, anger at ourselves can be more subtle.
Feeling cold and not getting a sweater or a blanket because “I need to be tougher.” Wearing clothes that are too tight, itchy or uncomfortable, not because that is all you have, but because you need to suck it up and accept some suffering. Getting thirsty and not getting yourself some water- this isn’t loving behavior. If someone you loved was thirsty, wouldn’t you offer them a drink? Better still- if someone you loved was feeling really bad, hopeless, or insecure- and she was thirsty- wouldn’t you get the drink for them and maybe throw in an extra ice cube? Offer a snack to go with it? Hang around and offer to help out…Wouldn’t you be extra caring towards someone who already felt bad?
We have talked before in the Body Acceptance Project about the harsh words we say to ourselves. Mean-spirited self-talk that seems so justified when we are angry at ourselves; we can look at these comments later and recognize, “I’d never say that to someone I cared about.”
This goes with how we treat ourselves, too. The things we make ourselves do. Or the things we deny ourselves.
Rewards can be great, but do you only do nice things for yourself if you’ve “earned” it?
It’s okay to get a massage because massages feel great, even if you didn’t work out super hard or get promoted at work or finish a marathon or clean your house.
It’s okay to move yourself somewhere more comfortable if where you are sitting is too noisy or drafty or the seat is too hard.
It’s okay, even beneficial to yourself and anyone you interact with, if you do your best to meet your own needs, and help yourself to feel your best. Even if you messed up or are disappointed in yourself. When you take care of yourself, you feel better. And people who feel good are naturally kind to those they encounter.
What ways are you punishing yourself or taking it out on YOU when you get angry?