“You can choose courage or you can choose comfort. You cannot have both.”
~Brene Brown
When was the last time you tried something new? If you are under 25, you are probably at an advantage when it comes to this. Younger people are more used to learning and new experiences. Think about when you were a child: everything you did was brand new. Most of the time you were experiencing a “first.” Before much of life’s trials and errors, we expect to regularly try new things. Learning new skills is part of day-to-day life.
A blessing of aging is that you’ve finally found things you like, that work for you, and that you don’t have to think about- you don’t have to experiment anymore. You know what works for you.
Unfortunately, the more experience we have on this earth, the more set in our ways we become. This is just as true for things that work well as it is for things that are harmful. Finding a deodorant that you are loyal to is an example of the benefits of experience. You probably tried several brands over the years, experimenting with which kept you dry, didn’t cause a rash, smelled the way you wanted… Once you find a deodorant you like and you keep buying it, that is one less thing you have to figure out. One less problem to solve. Easy. Done.
At this point, you don’t need to change your deodorant. You will get what you’ve always gotten, which is exactly what you want.
You will get what you’ve always gotten if you don’t change the things you say to yourself when it comes to your body, too. If you have decided that feeling bad about yourself DOESN’T work, it will be uncomfortable as you make changes.
This is worth discussing because you probably don’t think of your dysfunctional self-talk as “comfortable.” What is comfortable about hating myself?! Maybe a better term is routine. If your routine is
look in the mirror when I step into the bathroom
feel disappointed/angry/hopeless
make a face at myself
shame/scold/belittle myself
then doing something different than that will take some effort, feel difficult, and not come naturally. Doing something that isn’t habitual will feel uncomfortable because it is out of your routine. It is out of your comfort zone.
Let’s back up a moment to recognize that, depending upon how each of us is wired, those items may happen in a different order. Those of us who are more feelings oriented and will go in the order listed. Those of us who are thinkers will probably switch the order and do Number 4 before Number 2 and think the mean thoughts before feeling the painful feelings.
Do your feelings come first and inform your thoughts? Or do your thoughts provoke your feelings?
If you will identify what your typical routine in a situation like this is (whether looking in the mirror, putting on clothes, meeting a new person you hope to impress- whatever event may trigger your negative routine) you are in a better position to find a new, better way of being with yourself. Once you identify the negative routine that you are so used to, you can come up with one that, though not yet normalized or comfortable, will ultimately bring so much more comfort to your life.
Identifying and putting into practice how you would like to think and feel about yourself is a large endeavor. It’s why there are so many articles and podcasts and videos and books on this subject. The message for today is simply that: making this change will feel uncomfortable. Creating new routines and trying new things gets harder as we get older.
One reason this is helpful to acknowledge is so that we can remember to be patient with the process. (It is a process, not a one and done.) If you are so upset that you aren’t meeting your own expectations in the looks department, you are probably also prone to getting upset with yourself when you don’t meet other expectations. You have got to give yourself some time and space to make changes - you are new at them! You are a beginner. Give yourself some slack. You won’t do it perfectly- the first time or the 1000th time. Over time, you will develop a new routine. And you will be so glad that you did.
But to learn anything, we have to leave the comfort of the known for the awkwardness of the untried. And we must accept our ineptness as the price of beginning, trusting that, like adolescents, we’ll grow out of that awkward stage and blossom into mastery if we just hang in there.
~M.J. Ryan, author of The Happiness Makeover
Feeling awkward or uncomfortable is not a reason to turn your back on yourself and give up on learning to respect your body. You may be out of practice of learning new things. Most of us are, as adults! Don’t mistake the awkwardness of stepping out of your routine for inability. Doing something new is supposed to be hard. Otherwise, we’d already be doing it.