Sharon* was amazed at how much she accepted her body, once she wasn’t dancing anymore.
After some reflection, it wasn’t the relationship with the mirror that troubled her. In fact, she discovered that seeing herself - seeing her body moving day after day had become a familiar comfort. Almost as though her reflection was a reliable friend that she saw and interacted with each day in the dance studio.
What she came to recognize was that not having the voice of her critical dance director in her ear allowed her to stop believing that she “shouldn’t have had that muffin.” Not having his voice in her head allowed her to begin to believe that she was the right size, even if the costume she was expected to fit in to didn’t fit her. Without the demands and expectations of this one person (which was reinforced by the other dancers that believed they were wrong for not looking the way he wanted them to look), Sharon’s beliefs about her own body and herself changed.
Beyond being okay with what size and shape she was, she stopped berating herself for her abilities. It was no longer expected that looking a certain way was another thing she was supposed to prove she could do. So much about her life had been about proving herself- that she could perform anything asked of her. This had included being a certain size, weight, and even height. Even her height was something that, in the world she’d been a part of, she felt responsible for controlling. If an artist is in charge of their instrument, and a dancer’s instrument is her body, then she must be able to use her body to do anything asked of her, right?
So for Sharon, it was more than just removing herself from the main person whose beliefs had ingrained in her that she needed to look different and she was responsible for her body being a certain size and shape. In fact, prior to our work, she’d marveled at the paradox of being told she needed to lose weight by her director, while she was simultaneously “so skinny” to her friends and family. The different worlds she existed in had very different expectations of her body.
During the holiday season, when you spend more time with certain people than the rest of the year, what anxieties arise?
Emily knows that when she goes home in December she will get comments from every woman in her family on her weight. Some years she’s been heavier, some she’s been lighter, but without fail, it is the first thing her mom, her aunts, her grandmother, and even some of her cousins comment on when they see her.
She used to say nothing: though she’d come to expect body comments over the years, it still felt shocking each time. Sometimes it extended beyond the “you’ve lost weight!” or “uh oh- somebody’s put on a few pounds” to questions about her eating habits, clothing sizes, and even how her body affected her relationships. Emily got to the point where she knew she needed to respond differently because her anxiety had grown so much that it was preceding her visits home.
Emily came up with 20 things she could say, in response to comments about her body. She started by brainstorming, censoring nothing.
Some of the things she came up with were humorous (“don’t talk about my body unless I’m on fire and I don’t notice”), some of them aggressive (“worry about your own messed up body!”), some of them didn’t quite make sense. But brainstorming allowed her to see how many options there were when she’d felt for so long that all she could do was stay quiet.
After identifying 20 possible things that could be said, she narrowed in on a few that felt in line with her values. None of them felt natural to say (she’d never said anything before!) so she practiced- in the mirror, and a couple of times with her siblings, who knew she was fed up with comments. She even recited them in her head as she neared her parents’ house. Emily still felt nervous, but this year she also felt empowered. She knew that everyone had the right to say what they wanted to say, and she could also respond when it happened, as opposed to feeling like a victim of her family’s opinions.
If you need some help brainstorming, here are a few responses to get you started. Here are even more along with explanation on why unsolicited comments about bodies can be detrimental. Feel free to share it with anyone who is inspired by your boundary-setting!
*I alter the names and other details of the people to whom I refer. Some are based upon clients, some are based upon personal acquaintances, and all are composites of supporting details. Point is, if you think you know who I’m talking about, you don’t.
