And what if you got over YOURSELF?
It comes as a surprise to people who are so used to thinking so little of themselves, to recognize that much of their distress is due to an over-focus on THEMSELVES. The irony, right? Thinking “I am worthless” while at the same time, not being able to think of anyone other than MYSELF.
When we get stuck in this rut, we commonly only notice other people in order to compare ourselves to them. I might not notice that woman across the cafe if she didn’t have great hair because I hate my hair- why can’t mine be as beautiful as hers? The woman in the front of the line might not have caught my attention, but she is wearing short shorts and so I am thinking about how my legs look similar to hers, but maybe mine are a little smaller? Are they smaller? (look down at own legs) No… maybe they are the same size but proportioned a little differently than hers… But mine aren’t as tan as hers, so hers do actually look better than mine…
See- there is no interest in others, actually. It is only self-referential.
I am determining my own worth, based upon what you are showing me. I only need to look at you so that I can judge myself.
And viewing people as no more than objects is exactly what we are so sick of, isn’t it? Aren’t we all worth much, much more than our looks?
Your inner growth is completely dependent upon the realization that the only way to find peace and contentment is to stop thinking about yourself.
– Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul: A Journey Beyond Yourself
So how to get out of this way of thinking?
Some of us get stressed out by the idea of going to a social event. With an over-focus on ourselves, we become obsessed with what we will wear, how we will look, and what others will think of how we look. What if you attended a gathering with the goal of getting to know other people? How can you be wonderfully curious, instead of dreadfully judgmental?
What can you find about a new person to be interested in?
What questions can you ask? How can you learn more?
NOT KNOWING creates healthy relationships. Vulnerability and uncertainty allow people to grow together. A strong relationship skill is shifting from judgment to curiosity and wonder. Imagine walking away from an event with an interest in another person- perhaps a new friendship or work connection. Or even a new concept or idea you want to check out or try after hearing someone else tell you why it matters to them. Connecting with others is what we are wired to do as humans. Staying in our heads in order to compare and discriminate keeps us from our basic human need of connection. We may tell ourselves that staying in our heads to make comparisons and judgments will feel safer - especially if we are used to telling ourselves we are less-than. But the truth is, we need each other. Mammals are social beings and interest in one another is the basis of our well-being.
What is one specific way you can become more curious (and less judge-y) with someone else this week? What is one specific way you can become more curious and less judge-y with yourself this week?
Who can you share this with, so that you can make sure that you try it?