You really are exhausting everyone.
Reddit is overflowing with thread after thread of people asking what to do with girlfriends who hates their bodies.
“My girlfriend hates her body- how can I help”
“My girlfriend hates her body and isn’t doing anything about it, what can I do”
“My girlfriend hates her body and is depressed- how can I help”
Do you realize how much your body hate brings other people down?
For many women, the hate towards her body feels very personal. Very private. Very “how could this affect anyone but me?” Because the feelings inside are so big, it is easy to get so wrapped up in them that we don’t notice how the behaviors that come out of these big feelings affect those around us.
We’ve looked at ways that body dissatisfaction prevents physical intimacy. (Read this one again or for the first time if you haven’t. Sex and body dissatisfaction are mortal enemies.) It makes sense that the people who look forward to enjoying your body take issue with your being so unhappy with it that you refuse to connect in that way. But there is even more about your refusal to accept yourself that bothers your partner than just sexual rejection.
A regular topic in our body image groups is how to handle being around other people’s negative talk. Changing how we think about ourselves is hard enough without negative influences from the outside. It’s like trying to get sober around people who continue to use. Eventually, it gets easy to be around something you stopped doing long ago. But when we have been used to thinking in a negative, dysfunctional way, being around others who do it makes it very challenging to resist. When a coworker won’t stop talking about calories, or what she should and shouldn’t do because she is trying to change her body shape, it makes it hard to stay focused on getting rid of the diet mentality that we are working to reduce.
Are you that coworker?
“It’s exhausting to be around somebody who’s so worried about how they look.”
~Amy Schumer, Pretty Big Deal podcast
Beyond the peer pressure of negative self-talk, when a friend has a preoccupation with something about herself, especially if it is centered around dissatisfaction, it becomes exhausting to hear about again and again. Hearing someone complain all the time is draining. When she is complaining about herself (especially if you think she’s pretty great) it gets harder and harder to be around.
Are you that friend?
If you are thinking, “Oh I don’t say what I’m thinking out loud! My negative self-talk is all internal. I’m not bothering anyone else” you are probably not aware of the negativity that you put off with your dissatisfaction. Even if you think your self-hate is private, it very likely is not. And if you don’t think that partner knows that you struggle with accepting yourself, why haven’t you talked about it with them? Why keep something that occupies so much of your internal world away from someone who you want to be close to? (they probably already know)
Just as you are not meant to change someone else’s feelings about anything, it is no one else’s responsibility to manage your feelings. And though a partner can’t make you like your body, no matter how much they wish you would, there are ways they can be supportive of you as you are working to make changes for yourself. If your partner knows that you struggle with your body image or self-acceptance, share this article with them.